Today I turn 50 years old.
A good milestone from which to look back. I am a lucky man, surrounded by friends and family, wanting for nothing in life.
At my advanced age, people begin to exhaustively share generic platitudes about life.
I will share a few things I have learned the hard way. These are the things I would tell my 25 year old self. Twenty five year old me wasn’t dumb, but keeping these things in mind would have made for an easier road.
Take good care of your body — You underestimate the tie between the mind and body and push your body in stressful ways, counting on your will to keep moving forward.
The human body is amazing, able to endure most everything your mind asks of it, but you can push it too far.
You’re not getting enough sleep. You’re eating a lot of crappy food. You’re in shape, but you’re not getting a lot of exercise. As a result, often your brain is not operating as well as it could.
As dull as it is to say, “If your don’t have your health, you haven’t got anything.” You were not smart about this, and you once ended up in the ICU with double pneumonia and sepsis. Doctors told your wife to “prepare for the worst”, but you were very lucky and survived. It was a tough lesson to learn.
I’m not saying you need to get crazy and exercise three times a day and eat kale and coconut oil at every meal. I’m saying that you need to devote some thought and willpower toward keeping your body healthy.
Life will be stressful, in ways you cannot imagine, and you will need your body in those hard times to support your mind.
Have good manners and be polite — It’s not hard to engage in the simple formalities of life, saying hello, holding doors open, saying please and thank you. The payback is enormous.
You are not a mean person, but always remember that everyone wants to be treated with respect. Being kind and pleasant with people helps almost any interaction you will have. Be nicer to assistants than to the executives. Say hello to people you walk by, whether a gardener, a cleaner, or a powerful executive. When dealing with people on the phone, never yell or curse. Never threaten or deride.
Whether it’s people in service roles or people who have decision power, being seen as a respectful person makes a difference.
Small things are often what people remember most. Remembering an important date or giving an honest compliment are sometimes more memorable than an expensive gift.
You will gain power and agency, so it is even more more important that you treat others with respect and kindness. Arrogance is repulsive and destructive to relationships. You will see bad behavior all around you, but you must not participate.
Humility is the goal.
Shut up and listen — Stop talking so much and focus on listening to what other people are saying. Keep your mouth shut and your ears open.
You don’t have to prove you are smart by talking a lot. People will not question your intelligence, but they will question your judgement.
Effort is required to actively listen to another person, but its benefits are manifold. It strengthens your relationship with others, because people know when you are really paying attention and when you are simply waiting to talk.
At work, it is important to be quiet and understand the dynamics going on around you. Arguments often have nothing to do with what’s being said and everything to do with what is unsaid. I know you desperately want to throw in your two cents to make sure everyone knows how smart you are, but it just makes people roll their eyes.
You should spend more time talking with individuals and understanding what’s really going on, quietly behind the scenes, rather than showboating in group settings.
Don’t lie. Don’t insult others. Don’t write emails you wouldn’t want read by the entire company. Everything will leak one way or another, and your character will be judged.
Those are the big things, here are a few more specific things I wish I could tell tell 25 year old me:
- You were right about New York and Boston sports fans, they are the worst.
- Save more money.
- See more Grateful Dead shows. It’s not the same after Jerry dies.
- Spend more time with your dad. You will miss him dearly.
- Logos on your clothes are worthless. Let your wife choose your clothes.
- Therapy is worth the pain.
- Being a geek turns out to be cool. You don’t have to hide your passions.
- Don’t worry, your daughters turn out wonderful.
Today, I wonder what 75 year old me would say to 50 year old me. Maybe it’s “be welcoming to the AI overlords” or “brain implants are fine, listen to your daughters”. We’ll find out.
